Can Parenting Styles Change Depending On The Situation?

Yes, parenting styles change depending on the situation. How do you know what method to use? It is a matter of staying present in the moment and not getting caught up in the past or future.

Being a good parent requires you to take care of yourself. It needs you to continue your path of self-discovery. It requires you to take full responsibility for your behaviour. Continue reading

Fifteen Steps for Changing the Voice in Your Head from Inner Critic to Inner Coach

You have heard that critical voice in your head too often. It is demanding. It is impatient. It is demeaning of self and others. It is loud and obnoxious. This demeaning voice is the voice of the inner critic. Your … Continue reading

Your Inner Critic is a Big Jerk–Until You Understand It

The inner critic is part of your ego. Your ego is your personality. You could not survive in the world without it.

In the first few months of life, you take on one of nine different personalities. Your personality gives you a way to engage with the world. It helps you to know how you are different from others. It helps you to make choices in your life. It helps you to stay safe.

Your inner critic is a big jerk! The trouble begins when you reach maturity. If you do not become aware of your personality and how it impacts you, you will miss much in life. You will also get yourself into trouble because of uninformed choices. You will lose opportunities in life because you are stuck in old habits and thought patterns that no longer serve you.

Your inner critic is the part of the ego that tries to keep you safe by keeping you stuck in your personality.  It wants to be your friend.

The trouble is that the inner critic prefers the familiar rather than uncharted territory. The familiar being the automatic habits that you do without thinking. If you remain imprisoned in your personality, you are going to be miserable.

With practice, you will start to notice when your inner critic is talking to you. The inner critic is that negative voice that is always telling you that you are not good enough, that you are stupid, and that nobody loves you.

Each personality type has particular issues that the inner critic likes to attack.

Type One:criticism

The inner critic for the One is always complaining that you are not doing it correctly. It is always telling you that you need to improve. You need to do better.  It can put a lot of pressure on you by saying to you that something terrible is going to happen if you don’t get it right.

When the inner critic is getting harsh with you, you are more likely going to get tough on others. The One fears that the poor choices of others are going to reflect poorly on you. They are going to interfere with all the excellent work you are doing to make the world a better place.

Type Two:

The inner critic of Two is always trying to tell you that you are not loveable. It wants to prevent you from being hurt by working extra hard to be accepted.  It will also tell you that you have to earn love from those around you. It will keep insisting that you need to go out of your way to help others.

It further insists that if t+e people don’t respond in the way you would like them to you need to go and tell them off.  The inner critic will encourage you to confront anyone who is not obedient to you. The inner critic wants to make you feel like a Queen or King and that everyone around you should treat you like that.

In the end, the inner critic will lead you to self-hatred telling you off that the person left you or didn’t do what you wanted because you were not good enough. You were not worthy of their love. It can leave you in a sad place.

 

Type Three:

The inner critic for the three is always evaluating your success. It wants you to notice if people are acknowledging how hard you are working. Have you met your sales goals? Have you done everything possible to be the best at what you do?

Whenever you try to slow down, your inner critic will keep pushing you to work hard.  Trying to take an afternoon nap is almost impossible.

Whenever you achieve your goals, your inner critic will push you to do something even grander. Every new task you take on you will need to work harder. You will need to change your behavior to fit whatever business/project you are working on.

 

Type Four:

The inner critic for the four is always trying to compare yourself with others. It keeps insisting that you will never fit in. It will tell you over and over that nobody will ever understand you. It will emphasize that you need to prove to the world how different you are.

The Four’s inner critic will encourage you to indulge in your favorite emotions. Your moods will reflect back to you what your inner critic is harassing you to think.

It will try to convince you that only through your moods you will know that you are indeed alive.

The inner critic is a big jerk. The inner critic forgets to tell you that your feelings are always changing. It avoids mentioning to you that staying stuck in depressive emotions for long periods of time only leads to misery for yourself and those around you.

 

Concept of accusation guilty unhappy businesswoman person

Type Five:

The inner critic for the Five is always calling on you to retreat to your inner self.  It wants you to stay safe by learning a topic well. It wants you to learn all that is possible to learn and do not talk about it until you feel knowledgeable enough.

The inner critic wants to instill in you a fear of being found out that you don’t know enough. It doesn’t want you to be embarrassed. It doesn’t want you to be humiliated. So to do this, you need to very cautious about what you say and to whom.

The Five inner critic is only concerned with your mind. It will continually dissuade from paying attention to your body and your heart.

The danger for a five is that you can become an island to yourself disconnected from family and friends.

Type Six:

The inner critic for the six is keeping you alert for all the dangers you and your loved ones face. It will try to keep you hypervigilant watching carefully for any threat that might come your way.

The Six inner critic will get you to question your abilities. It will get you to check out any decisions you are about to make with friends, families and so-called experts. You will be compelled to get as many opinions as possible.

Your inner critic will judge you for experiencing anxiety. It will get you to try and fix yourself making the anxiety worse and worse. The inner critic’s judgment will cause you to try and fix others making you feel even worse.

When feeling threatened, your inner critic encourages you to protect yourself from being hurt through cynicism.  Your cynicism will turn friends, family, and colleagues away from you.

Type Seven:

The inner critic for Seven will do everything in its power to keep you busy, having fun, going on adventures. This is all to keep you from feeling any emotional and/or physical pain.

The seven’s inner critic is desperate to keep you away from any problematic emotions. It causes you to get bored quickly. It lets you off the hook if you are bored with a task. It invites you to abandon the job because there is always something more exciting to do.

The inner critic of the seven lets you off any responsibility for completing any task.

The inner critic makes it clear that any person who tries to force them to slow down or force them to complete a task is no friend.  A friend of a seven is someone who joins them on their adventures and does what they want them to do.

 

Type Eight:

The inner critic for the Eight wants to protect their vulnerable feelings, emotions, and heart. The inner critic is only too happy to help you to put up protective walls to prevent you from being emotionally hurt.

The inner critic is also there to ensure that no one will stop you on any of your projects. It is there to help you to force your way ahead even if means hurting others.

The eights inner critic is a force to be reckoned with. The inner critic will blind you to the power you are using. You will have no idea of how others are experiencing you.

The inner critic is a big jerk. Your inner critic will make it difficult for you to slow down. It’s the only language is power and force. It thinks that confrontation is the only way to go. It is nervous at any time for inner reflection.  It doesn’t’ want your heart to be hurt ever again.

 

Type Nine:

The inner critic for the nine energy is trying to keep you safe by convincing you that you are unimportant. That no one really cares about you. That the only way for you to survive is to keep everyone calm at any cost to you.

The inner critic will try hard to make you feel insignificant. If you have no importance to others, you are not going to create any conflict.

The inner critic will get angry with you if you are allowing any conflict to happen in any group you are part of. If there is a conflict, there is a danger. If there is a conflict, you had better fix it.

The inner critic will make it difficult for you to speak your mind because it is too risky. It will insist that calm is more important than expressing your needs.

The trouble is that eventually after days and months of not having your needs respected and wants to be taken seriously you explode.  You easily become passive-aggressive.

 

You have an inner critic. The inner critic wants to keep you safe.  It tries to keep you safe by insisting you stay in your Enneagram type which it knows best. Fighting your inner-critic will only make it worse.

Woman breathing fresh air outdoors in summerYou can find freedom from your inner critic by learning to notice how it is impacting the decisions you are making in life. The inner critic is a big jerk – until you understand it. The Enneagram can point out to you through your type, how the inner-critic is operating in your life. The more you are aware of it, the more you are free to choose different options.

The inner critic will never disappear, often showing itself in stressful times. But with practice, you can befriend your inner critic by paying attention to it and letting it know that you as an adult are most capable of making right decisions.

The more you stay grounded in your three energy centers the inner critic will have less need to mess around with your life. When your three energy centers heart, body, and mind are working well, there is no place for the inner critic.  It knows you are safe and in good hands.  It recognizes that the universe will take care of you.

Roland Legge offers life/executive coaching and Enneagram workshops through REL Consultants.  For more information, please arrange for a free 30-minute discovery call by emailing Roland Legge at rolandlegge@relconsultants.com  or book your appointment online Please click on “Discovery Call.”

This Article was first published in the  REL Consultants (Roland Legge) Blog

When Someone Tells You “Anything’s Possible” What Do They Really Mean?

Do you believe that anything’s possible? All of us have great potential. There are more possibilities in life than you can imagine. You Are Born With A Richness Of Gifts So much is possible in your life! You have great value … Continue reading

What Nobdy Tells You About Finding Your Purpose

abstract silhouette of happy young jumping girl, healthy life

How many times have you asked yourself what is my purpose in this world? There are hundreds of books out there telling you how to do it. How many books have you read? No matter how much you have read, you must determine your process to find the direction for your life. Here is what nobody tells you about finding your purpose.

Discover Your Process

There is a fantastic tool called the Enneagram that can help you to find your path in life.

What is the Enneagram?

Have you heard of the Enneagram?  It has changed my life. It can change yours. Working with the Enneagram provides a process for you to find your calling in life. How can it help you?

It helps you to become as present as you can be in the three centers (Head, Heart, and Body). Your job is to become self-aware and open. A good place to start is to name your energy center and to find out what type you are.

This psychological/spiritual teaching suggests that at the beginning of your life your inner-self chooses one of nine different ways to survive in the world which connect to one of three energy centers: Body, Heart, and Mind.  For more information on these three power centers and nine types, please go to the Enneagram Institutes website: 

At the beginning of life, connected to your body, heart, and mind, everything was in harmony.  As you mature, the energy centers get distorted. Blinding you from fully experiencing the world as it is.

No Enneagram Type is Better than AnotherFootReflexologyPink

No one Enneagram type is better than another.  Each personality has its positive and negative attributes.  In fact, your goal is to get as healthy as you can in all nine.  You are much more than your personality.

Head Center

If you are in the head center, like me, you may have far too much going on in your brain. Do you have constant conversations going on in your head?  Do you worry more about the past and future than you focus on the present?  On the positive side, you bring the gift of wisdom to the world.

Heart Center

If you are in the heart center, you might be more concerned with the needs of others than your own needs. If you want to care for others, you need to care for yourself. How good are you at taking care of yourself? On the positive side, you have the gift of knowing what others need, and if you pay attention, you also have the gift to know what you need.

Body Center

If you are in the body center, you have a big heart but are fearful to show it.  Once people get to know you, they will find you are one of the most compassionate people they have met.  You have the gift of intuition which helps you to make wise decisions for yourself and your communities.

Finding Your Purpose

Finding your purpose is all about opening your three energy centers, the body, heart, and head. Discovering your Enneagram type gives you a tool to help you to get healthier through becoming more present.

You Are Amazing

You have an amazing body. How much have you learned from the sensations of your body? Take a moment right now to discern what is happening in your body. Are your muscles relaxed? What feelings are you experiencing in your body?  What is your intuition telling you? Your body will let you know if you are in sink with your purpose.

You have a beautiful heart. How comfortable are you with your emotions? Take a moment to notice what is going on in your heart.  Are you happy, in love, angry, frustrated, irritable? If you pay attention to your emotions, they will tell you much about what you need and give insight into building healthy relationships.

You have a brilliant mind. The struggle for many of us is that our mind gets too active.  Your mind is at its best when the inner-conversation is quiet. If you learn what is important to you in life, you will know what you need to do in each moment.

When you are grounded in your body, open to your heart and a quiet mind you are at your best.  You will know what your purpose is. It will be self-evident.

You Have What it Takes

Finding your purpose is not something you can force. What nobody tells you about finding your purpose is that it comes from becoming attuned to your three energy centers. It is not easy work unlearning old habits. But the rewards are more than worth it.  The more present you can be for yourself the clearer the direction will be for your journey through life.

Roland Legge offers presence based life coaching through REL Consultants for individuals, couples, and organizations to help them to be the best they can be. For more information, please arrange for a free 30-minute discovery call by phoning Roland at 1 306 620-7478 or book your appointment online  Please click on “Discovery Call.”

This Article was first published at REL Consultants https://www.relconsultants.com/live-your-best-life-now-blog/finding-purpose

How Irritating can Jesus be!

 

Sermon – July 13th 2014

 

5th Sunday after Pentecost

 

Genesis 25:19-34

 

Romans 8:1-11

 

Matthew 13:1-9, 18-23

 

 

 

 

 

Jesus loved to tell stories called parables.  These were pithy little stories that always had a surprising ending.  They had a way of challenging people.  They had an uncanny way of helping people to see a true reflection of themselves whether they liked it or not.  Often, the stories revealed a truth that many people did not want to admit.  Instead of receiving the stories with thanksgiving they returned Jesus love with anger and hate.

 

 

 

We might wonder how a story like the Parable of the Sower, could unleash such anger.   It seems like such an innocent story.   It suggests that we Christians are the seeds that have been planted in the good soil.    This is certainly the interpretation that some scribe added to the Parable, but Jesus unlikely intended it to be watered down that much.  Thus what we read today has a lot more details filled in than Jesus would have likely shared.  The first listeners to Jesus Parable did not likely hear it the same way.  Many would have left partly confused and partly angry.

 

 

 

To get an idea of what it was like to hear the Parable for the first time.  Here this Parable :

 

A man once came to Buddha with an offering of flowers in his hands.  Buddha looked up at him and said, “Drop it!”

 

 

 

The man couldn’t believe he was being asked to drop the flowers.  Then it occurred to him that perhaps Buddha was asking him to drop the flowers that he had in his left hand, since to offer something with one’s left hand was considered inauspicious and impolite.  So he dropped the flowers that his left hand held.

 

 

 

And Buddha said to him, “Drop it!”

 

 

 

This time, the man was so unnerved by Buddha’s request that he simply dropped all the flowers and stood before Buddha empty handed.

 

 

 

And Buddha smiled and said to him, “Drop it!”

 

 

 

Perplexed, the man asked, “Buddha, what is it that I am supposed to drop?

 

 

 

“Not the flowers, my son,” said Buddha, ‘but the one who brought them.”

 

Keeping the Faith in Babylon A Pastoral Resource for Christians in Exile by Barry J. Robinson Ordinary 15 Year A

 

 

 

 

 

If you got the point of the story you might have understood Jesus story way back.   This story of Buddha probably gets more at the point of the Parable we heard today more than the interpretation we heard today right in the passage that was read.

 

 

 

So today’s Parable of Jesus, for me, calls upon us to drop that which is holding us back from living faithfully.  It is a call to forgive those who have offended and hurt us so that we can move ahead.  However, this is not a call to pretend that destructive events in our life never happened but it is call to learn and move on.  As Paul said in today’s epistle this is call to serve God in newness of life.

 

 

 

There are so many memories that can get in the way of our living life abundantly whether that is for individuals or for organizations such as churches.  You may have met people like the person in the story that I am about to tell as told by William Willimon.  I suspect that most of us have done this some time in our lives. Here is the story:

 

Remembrance can be a sure way to ensure that a congregation fails to achieve vitality.

 

I once served a church where there was a man who had been a member of that church for over 30 years.  He didn’t hold any prominent office in the church, but some of the people ‘jokingly referred to him as our “unofficial historian.” History is fine, and it is good to have someone in the congregation who can remember the congregational story and its past, but only up to a point.

 

His remembrance functioned negatively within the life of the congregation.  Just let someone come up with a new idea, and he would always be there to say, “No.  We tried that back in 1969 and it didn’t work.” Case closed, and the end of the possibility of the newness of life.

 

One time, when somebody suggested that we try a new initiative in evangelism, he chimed in, “I remember well, a previous pastor suggesting that we try that.  We did it, but it was a big flop.  That was about 1964.”

 

“1964!” I shouted. Do you know where I was in 1964? I was renting my tux for the high school prom.  That is ancient history.  Why should we care what happened in 1964?    I wasn’t even a pastor then.  It is a whole new world today.”

 

I was only partially right.  It is never a “whole new world” unless we have the ability to lay aside the past that enslaves us.

 

Pulpit Resource by William Willimon  Vol. 33, No. 3 Year A July, August, September 2005   Published by Logos Productions Inver Grove Heights MN P.G. 12-13

 

 

 

I have learned myself of the importance to let go of past anger, grudges and disappointments.  I was married once before and I did not happy relationship.  I knew once that relationship was over I needed to forgive my ex-wife and myself.   I needed to let go if I was to experience the abundant life that Jesus promised. As well,  I knew that if I was ever to enter  a new relationship I would need to let go if I was going to have any hope of choosing a compatible and loving partner to be with.  Doing this work through counseling and spiritual direction was not easy but oh so worthwhile.  As you see, I am now in a healthy relationship with Jen.  This would not have happened if I had not done my work.

 

 

 

Remember, as I said earlier, to let go does not require us to completely forget.  To let go does not require us to call some dastardly or unkind act as okay.  To let go and forgive does require us to put these memories enough in the back our minds so that we are not continually having those memories inflame us over and over again.  Rather our goal is to learn from our mistakes and move on into even more abundant life.

 

 

 

So what do you need to let go of?  What do you need to keep at the back of your memory?  Who do you need to forgive?  As you acknowledge the answers to these questions over your life, find the courage to do the work and you will discover even more joyfulness.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Canola Fields near Strathclair Manitoba July 2012 (4)