5 Ways to help express your desires (and Get) What You Want in Your Relationship …

Outdoor protrait of african-american couple hugging and smiling broadly at camera while walking in park and expressing positive emotions. Brother and sister finally got along and spend time together


Do you expect your partner to read your mind?  Even if they could read your mind, would you want them to read your thoughts?

Thank goodness, your partner can not read your mind.  It is up to you to let them know what you want.

You first will need to discern what you need in your relationship; then find the best way to communicate your desires.

An excellent way to learn what you desire in your relationship is to do some journaling and meditation.  If your partner is open, you could experiment with ideas you both have to see if these are activities you desire to do as a couple in the future.

Most of what a good relationship comes from both your willingness to bring out the best in each other.

Here are five ways to help express your desires (and get) what you want in your relationship:

1.     Practical Communication Skills:

 Each of us learns in diverse ways. Some of us learn more from listening, some from what we see, some from our emotions and some from our intellect.

·        Speak directly to your partner in the same space:

It always makes a difference when you can sit with your partner across from each other, giving each other your full attention.  You are equals having a discussion together.

·        Use “I” statements to take responsibility for what you say:

“I” statements are so important.  They help you to take responsibility for what you say. For example, you could say I am frustrated that this is the fourth Friday you took a two hour lunch hour.  Every time you make an extended lunch break, I have more work to do than I can accomplish unless I work overtime.  Our boss makes me stay even though I have other responsibilities. I am not happy when you take this extended lunch.

Describing your emotional and gut reaction to the offence without blame is much more productive than name-calling. Name-calling leaves no room for transformation.

·        Listen with your whole body, heart and mind:

Building healthy relationships requires excellent communication.  We learn from each other in many ways.  The more we can listen with our body, heart and mind, the better you will be able to understand your partner.

Part of listening is paying attention to your intuition and staying curious about what you are hearing.

·        Say in your own words what you have just heard to make sure you understood.

It is easy to misunderstand what your loved one is telling you.  So much of communication depends on our health, our communication skills, language, levels of education, and more.

Thus it helps to repeat what you hear to make sure you understand what your partner is saying. It helps you to make sure your partner knows they are understood.

These practical communication skills will get you on the way to saying and getting what you want in a relationship.

Learn more about how the Enneagram can help you enhance your relationship: Click Here

2.     Walk your talk

Nothing is worse when you expect your partner to do something you would never do.

Please don’t lie to your partner. If you agree to do something, follow through unless an emergency comes up.

Show your partner the real you.  Remember, it is your imperfections that make you unique and special.

Do not pretend to be someone else you are not.  For example, if you claim to be a great pianist, you better be able to offer a concert. If you claim not to be racist, you better not demean a particular race.


happy exuberant confident middle aged woman.jpg

3.     Honour and respect your self and partner:

The more you respect yourself and your partner, the happier you both will be in your relationship.

Here are ways you can respect your partner:

·        Listen attentively to what they say

·        Stay curious about what is happening in their lives

·        Practice random acts of kindness

·        Make time for them in your life

·        Show them you are listening by saying back in your own words what they said.

·        Be there for them in times of joy and distress

Here are ways you can respect yourself

·        Make time in your life to care for your own needs

·        Be able to say no to activities that are not in your best interest

·        Make time for yourself and your partner

·        Express your needs, wishes, dreams and hopes to your partner

·        Be honest with yourself

There is a flow in any relationship.  There will be times when one of you needs more attention than the other. There is nothing wrong with this as long as both your needs are balanced over time.

4.     Stay vulnerable:

If you hope to have a healthy relationship, both of you need to be vulnerable.

Vulnerability is all about sharing the ups and downs of your life with your partner.  When you are sad and hurting, do not try to be stoic and hold it all in. Your partner is going to know something is wrong.  When you are full of joy, find a way to share your happiness with your partner.

Vulnerability calls upon you to resolve conflict in your relationship.  It is finding the courage to confront your partner constructively so you can resolve the issue or issues.  Often you will find the culprit is a simple misunderstanding.

If you do not deal with the conflict close to when it happens, it will fester into a much bigger battle.



5.     Take one hundred percent responsibility for yourself:

It is essential to remind yourself that the only person you can take responsibility for is yourself.

In any relationship, it is always tempting to blame our partner for any problem;  blaming the other, leads to more significant conflict.

An excellent place to start in any conflict with your beloved is to look at yourself. How might I have contributed to the battle?  What can I learn about myself and my relationship? Is there anything I need to apologize for? What might I do differently next time?

If you are one of those people who always think they are guilty. You need to slow down and make sure you are not apologizing for something you did not commit.

If there is a conflict that seems bigger than you can handle, please reach out for help.  There are clergy, rabi’s, mullah’s and other religious leaders to talk to if you are part of a faith tradition. There are excellent professional counsellors and coaches like myself who can help you.

Once you become clear about where you are in the conflict, it is time for you to sit down with your partner to work through your concerns.  Hopefully, your partner has done his or her exploration to see how they have contributed to the conflict.

Check out this article on how to build healthier relationships: Click Here

In summary, the only way to have a more satisfying relationship is for you to deal with conflict openly whenever it happens.

If you think you have never had a conflict in your relationship, you are living in denial. Disagreements are expressed in many ways.  Conflict happens every time there are at least two different opinions in a room, home or office.

If you practice excellent communication skills, walk your talk, honour and respect yourself and partner, stay vulnerable and take one hundred percent responsibility for yourself, you are in an excellent place to best express your desires and get what you want in your relationship.

I am Roland Legge, an Identity Coach here to help you enhance your relationship with yourself and your partner.   You can join my private newsletter list for Free Monthly Advice (Click Here) and get Your Free Enneagram Test (Click Here).


Reproduced with the permission of the author, Roland Legge


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